If thereís one thing that i really dislike about my current work, and you all probably know it, is that all the people that I worked with here are college mates, they knew each other very well, they grow up together, and now they were work together too. They share some kind of emotional bound that make them look like a link that build a strong chain. A very strong one. It makes me envy and dislike at the same time, and believe me when I tell you that it was not easy to fill in at that chain, especially for some one like me. To put it short it was sense of me belong there that I didnít feel all this time.
Ironically, where my heart fell in is at one of those links that build the chain, a lovely one, and also ironically it have a very strong bound for the other link that impossible for me to break because the bound it self is too precious to break. And this matter is tearing my mind, night and day. I donít know where this feeling will lead me, i will follow, may it be the hardest way, full of suffering, and breaking the heart of mine, let it be, I will ready for it. Because to whom my heart fell it was not the choice of mine, and for first time in my life I realize that.
Being a mother is the greatest job any human being can ever have
One of my colleagues sent me an e-mail; about the story of the mother that have a child that born without ears. And for her child's sake, she gave her ears, so that her child could have a normal life.
I admit that I'm kind of weak to hear or read the story like this one. And you know why? Because that's the way I was raised. Well it's not about ears, but it's all about the love, devotion, and sacrifice.
Let me tell you about my mother, she's just like an ordinary people. But the way she devoted herself to her child that's me and my sisters and brother, the way she loves us, the way she care about us is the best way that I ever know. I once told simpleguy that it was a miracle that makes me through this life until now, since I am an inept and very shy guy. But I realize it wasn't a miracle, it was love and trust that she crave on me.
So now, whenever I close my eyes and thinks, I will say "I will". She may not have a chance to reach her dream, her plans, her needs, but I will. For all the things she done for me, I will live my life at its fullest so that she can smiles and say "that's my boy, and look what he is now".
Choices, Chances, Changes, Consequences
Well... those words are around this blog for quite long time now as you may notice. Let me tell you story about those words. Those words are representing life, life is choices, life is chances, life is changes, life is consequences, that what was I thought, and I was wrong.
Lately I realized that life still could be represented by those words but in the different perception. Life is about you making choices, life is you making changes, and either way will lead you to chances and consequences and eventually will be back to choices and changes for you to make as it is like a full circle. And the hardest part of life is making changes.
I could recall when the last time I make commitment to change my self, more than a year ago, but honestly I think I began to change my self in the last couple month. The meaning of change here is not always going in 180 degree direction, but it is more about advancing. Why I do that? Why I change? I donít really know, maybe I was bored and want to try something new, but whatever the reasonÖ I am glad I do that.
Now I see new things, I smell new things, feel some things that I thought I already lost. The same old world, the same old life and now I perceived as a new one. And I like it.
I am nothing
I am nothing
For all things that I have not touch
For all things that I have not feel
For the way that I have not walk
That is right my friend
For all things that you had touched
For all things that you had feel
For the way that you had walked
I wish you luck
Surabaya, October 16, 2005
Do you believe in urban legend about natural signs? Here in Indonesia especially at east java thereís so much urban legend about natural signs, such as:
Well, I grew up with this kind of urban legend, although I never take it seriously.
About Two days ago, when I was behind my computer keyboard watching a movie, suddenly a small cicak* fell on my head, thereís an urban legend about this situation, when a cicak* fell on your head thatís mean there something bad are gong to happen to you or your family. Hmm...
Yesterday, my dad fell from the roof when doing some work, he had a broken bone on his back, fortunately that isnít serious injury, well at least thatís the doctor said after examined the x-ray photo.
Now if you ask me if I would take all that urban legend about natural sign seriously from now on?
The answer is still no, thereís no connection about cicak* and my dad, although both are fell from above, it was a coincidence, wasn't it?
*Cicak : some species of lizard that can climb of wall and ceiling like spiderman, it's common to see it at the tropical area
and i wondered why..
Hmm... Thereís so much going on in this month that keeps me from blogging. Losing my internet connection due to incompetent billing (registration??) system, more than 1 thousand hits at killua project (Iím so surprised) also not forget about extending my contract with my current employer.
Iíve been drown in to many feeling that I canít even explain Ö disappointed, excited, angry, hopeless mixed together in a strange way, and to make it worst, I had to deal with it for each day in this month.
Now I try to make myself more calm while waiting for this month paycheck and I do hope that in the incoming months, Iíll be able to arrange my life, re-org my priorities, my needed, and things that I wanted.